REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
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Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
i hate you platonically
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.