Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
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Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
Put a ring on it
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.