There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
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My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
Well, shit
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.