Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
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Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.