Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
You Might Also Like
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?