she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
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Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
My sex drive has a dui
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
Bootstraps
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
Dance like you’re not the father
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.