I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
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Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*