Siri, fight Alexa.
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mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
opening twitter today
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV