Are you ok, human???
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A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.