I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
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[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
War & Peace
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
Did I do this right
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
File under excellent bookstore names.
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
Proofread twice, hang posters once
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?