Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
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ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
when revenge coincides with naptime
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?