It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
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me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
Rt to bother an English speaker
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.