People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
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I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”