I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
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There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot