If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
You Might Also Like
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers