I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
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I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”