babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
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My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.