*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
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boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
When your parents check you’re ok.
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.