New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
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Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
new record!
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*