My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
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The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.