You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
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I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
Childbirth is so beautiful
Air pods looking like an angry frog
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now