You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
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My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel