got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
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Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
is this a warning or an offer?
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.