Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
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doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
Brain: I’m manifesting abundance.
Body: here’s another chin
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”