Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
You Might Also Like
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
HERE’S MARKY
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!