god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like š®
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
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This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldnāt sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I canāt trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I canāt wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said āyesā he goes āwhy?ā and honestly i donāt have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
not taking the vaccine in case thereās a U2 album in it
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut Iāve seen enough
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
I canāt believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
I would like to see āartificial intelligenceā assemble this tuna melt.
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.