how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
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manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)