The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
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I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
Hot Hot Hot
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
Note to self: I am a note
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing