I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
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“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
another case of gang violins
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.