I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
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Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
New mindset, who dis?
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*