one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
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How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.