Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
You Might Also Like
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.