Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
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Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
So the ex texted me
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake