When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
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Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
Many hands make light work
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
I get distracted pretty eas
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???