At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
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I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
broke down and did it
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.