I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
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I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
Broom by every window for quick escape.
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group