So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
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[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection