How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
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In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend