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Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
just pretend nothing happened
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.