You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
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GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
I get distracted pretty eas
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
😂😂😂
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.