“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
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The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.