I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
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[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’