Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
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In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.