Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
You Might Also Like
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand