Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
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[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.