New comic up. “Ransom”
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just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them