Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
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Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
Holy moly
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start