If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
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I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.