5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
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the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
#Caturday
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
The opposite of Iceland is water water
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.