I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
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God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.